Is it just a value that you have to give? or just the worth of some currency? Many time you may have heard this question, in movies… seen in novels…. sometimes asked in real life… sometimes told to you…

How much is my life worth? I consider my life worthless for myself, but consider it something for others. I try to do things even out of my way to help… because I know my purpose… I know that I am here to do something useful.. something not for myself… Maybe its the superhero in me that sees that I need to help others…

How much is the life of others to me? All life is important… but those that need saving needs more time… I try to equal everyone… but you just cannot help that I play favorites…

I value life… especially those whom I love…

The truth will set you free…. as they say… I never had the habit of lying… I do lie, but it’s not just a habit of telling a lie to get away with anything… I had a bad experience with starting of a lie and soon it became a life that I have to live with… but sooner or later it will come out… or will be forgotten… but the fact that the lie is bigger than the truth, chances are the lie will not be forgotten easily as this will became the basis of living the lie… and will not easily die down…

What of the truth… honestly sometimes the truth is over rated… and often hurts… and often just confirmation and closure…

The truth provides justification for an action… sometimes overused… where a lie needs to be covered up… and kept hidden… the only problem between the two… the truth offers no explanations… where a lie has to be blanketed with stories and even more lies…. unless the person asking for the truth does not believe and the truth now turns into a lie…

I want to know the truth…. but I’m afraid of the consequences… I’m afraid of the effects… and afraid of getting hurt… knowing the truth offers consolation and thought… but sometimes the consolation itself is the penalty which technically makes you the loser at any angle… sometimes makes me want to just live the lie and forget about the truth… to live in denial… what does the truth has to offer me? just more pain and suffering and complications…. more things to think about… more questions than answers…

It hard to get the truth behind every person… but why do I really want the truth? I heard some hearsay about the person.. and wondered… thought… if it was true or not… if it really happened or not… but then I would ask the question, what if I knew the truth? will it sway my mind? will it change my feelings? of will my feelings become more intense if I find out otherwise? It’s already giving me more questions than answers.

What are the questions? It’s usually formatted like “is it true that during these times you…” and stuff like that…. But come to think of it… it’s just the past… and am living in the present… will the past really matter…. or will it reflect the present because of the past?

People change…  I change… hopefully for the better… But what is the truth behind me?

The truth does not set me free… it only imprisoned me further…

What if you met the woman you wanted to make your wife after you married someone else? – Heartbreaking… but I think it’s not uncommon for many to feel this way… as we grow older, we tend to mature… The problem – partners often times mature at a different pace… and soon after may and will have a disconnect… The challenge is the adjustments… Who will and what will be the extent?

The movie deals with a love found that cannot end with marriage as the other is married. A conflict arises between the two and one got married in a spur of the moment decision.

For me its clear that he is happy with the first… as the second is another matter… but because of complications on the first, the second is the next best thing… now the decision of wanting to be happy or doing things right…

It complicated enough… and life has complications. As one sample in the movie: wife left and returned after 14 years and still accepted… why it’s because of love and happiness… not just what is right… One cannot just understand the underlying causes as humans are complicated by nature…

Am I making sense? I don’t think so… I am also lost in my own thoughts and don’t know how to translate myself…

Bottom line here…. – I have to ask myself… what am I feeling? Huh? Don’t bother… I just lost myself again…

Ever since I got hitched, my alone time became smaller… shorter… and not quite alone… I used to find my alone time in the restroom doing the #2… reading magazine… newspaper or whatever reading material I can find… Its my way to keep up with readings without really cutting into my activities… I always try to get some alone time in cafes, restos or fast food joints… its my way of getting to know myself… sort out thoughts… think over issues and among other things…

My previous alone time got shorter… and not really alone… The restroom became a public place.. while sitting and doing #2, she would walk in and use the lavatory… often times strike up a conversation even I am concentrating… Sometimes she would stand outside but still try to talk… and my alone time wouldn’t be so private anymore…

Nowadays, as my alone time keeps getting shorter… I try to find alternative ways… Just like now (at the time of this writing) I had a decent 3 hour alone time… though some sms exchanges are done… but it’s just me… my laptop… thought I am surrounded by people… no one was actually interfering with my thoughts… my activities and my insanity… I can be myself… even its just internal….

I still need my alone time… even it would be 10 minutes a day or a bulk for the week… It gets me thinking… gets me organized… and still be sane… even I am thinking of insane things… at least I get to think and not act it out by impulse…

I’m recharged and in charge… to make the world a little bit insane…

Well I’m no superhero, but I still have my weakness… For Superman its kryptonite… for batman… well I don’t know… hahahahaha

I consider myself solar-powered… getting my strength from the sun… I enjoy the sun… bright and hot… give me ideas, makes me immune to some sickness… I find myself able to leap tall buildings… well not buildings but resolve problems with relative ease… think of way out… solve home and work problems… make it sound so easy… I know I am at the top of my game… and I know I am almost always right…

I’m not being proud or such… but I find relative ease in solving problems, giving direction to people and being able to deliver what is needed, with quality… There are times I am stumped but I never lose lifelines to get me out of those holes… As one villain says… always have an escape plan…

But with all this… considering myself to be infallible…. I have my weakness…

I easily get close to women… and sometimes get too close… that I tend to forget my position… and oftentimes confuse myself on what I should do… beneath my ever organized exterior are jelly legs to give in to a woman’s needs…. I know the limits…. but sometimes I really push my limits… I have been burned not just once, twice… and often times I find myself in the predicament that I have a hard time getting out… funny thing, I find myself in the same situation again…

Why am I like this? maybe it’s the frustrations and the unrequited emotions that I have… the unrealized things that I always want to happen… the frustrations that I experienced that I try to correct with others… who knows… do we know why superman gets weak with kryptonite? Some may know the reason… just like me with women… But for me I don’t know… I know my weakness but luke superman gets surprised when the weakness comes… unannounced…

I don’t know why… I try to control… but maybe it’s the glasses… its the personality… its the frustrations…. but I know its my weakness…

Call me the hopeless romantic, but I never realized that being with other women and trying to have an impersonal relation is hard… Though you are given a limited time to adjust and make a move, and I know I got the stuff… the jokes… the lines… not to mention the looks… I still was not able to use it.. Maybe its just me… or just I never found the need to go to the extent of being in that situation.

What I’m trying to say is… a just had an experience to really go out in a bar and select a lady from a line-up… Yup I’m that naive and innocent when it comes to those… Maybe its just I never had the opportunity or even need to go such extent to “table” a lady and try my best… Or maybe I have this notion that if I ever went to that extent, I’ll just pay up and have my way… Not that I never had the chance to do it in my current lifetime…

Way way back, I almost tried to hire someone to provide company and pleasure… I have the number… I tried to call… I already selected from the website… but I never completed it… I almost had another chance, this time with friends… somehow the place was already closed… Seems like I’m still watched over and never had to go to that extent…

Alternatively, I find other ways to get the needs of the flesh… without courting disaster… without shelling out most of the savings… and still have a good time… emotionally, physically and among others… I’m always surrounded by friends of friends that sometimes end up having “meaningful” friendship with the advantages… I never find myself down and out of luck when it comes to male needs…. I can always find ways… I always have a number at hand…

I’m used to the pleasures of emotions, having a good conversation… a walk and sometimes being content with barely physical contact… It give the definition ”meaningful” to the relationship… plus the perks of course… When things get feisty… well there is always a place to go… somewhere cold…. and be warm… silent… to be filled with noise… and dark…. well… sometimes its better dark to really give it all…

But those days was in the past… I still know that I can do it… just need to find the words again… just need maybe some drinks and the perfect timing… But I’m trying to have the real meaningful relationship without the quotes…

I just realized that it was hard to get feisty with someone not going to the process… I seemed cold and not interested… but I like the slow… little by little… approach… and never had the justification to pay for it…

It was courting disaster… but I got out of it unscathed.

It’s a common event, pretty much for everyone. No matter what you do you’re damned. So the question now is what to do?

I have been torn with decision and indecision for quite some time already. Every option comes with a consequence and pretty much the same level of torment and damnation that will come to me. Life is about choices… some are good… some are bad… well in my case on the personal level it’s never a good decision to make a decision… but sometimes I have to…

I believe in the unseen force in life that balances out everything… sort of the yin and the yang of things… one cannot just live on good, but needs to be coupled with evil… when you’re experiencing unprecedented success, there is another part of your life that is awfully wrong…

In my case, it’s the balance between my work and my personal life… I think its my yin and yang… That I cannot have a successful personal life (aka miserable) while I’m on the top of my game… Maybe its me being the hopeless romantic and “straight” arrow image that I try to uphold. I think I’m not alone this boat… I think some of the tycoons are experiencing the same dilemma.

Maybe its the case of the not giving everything a person wants in life, otherwise it would be boring… There would be no meaning to strive to a better place, career or personal…

Damned if the try to make the personal life work, but I end up my image, my accomplishments and just be an average joe in the field that I came to find my name walls and corporations. Damned if I try to make my career priority, giving up my personal life… Damned again if I try to make my personal life work (with another means) and my career, meaning to be damned for all eternity…. But I see it quite common and in other cultures so normal…

I’m trying to mask some of the words, specially the meaning of my personal life… until this posting… I’m still damned trying to make it work, do the right thing… but as I can feel… I’m having a very hard time to the point of losing it…

I’ve been meaning to post something, started with a header, but then after the first sentence… idea runs out… maybe its the overwhelming feeling I have been encountering… the agony… the torment… the heartbreak… the confusion… among others…

I have been meaning to express something to someone… but I don’t know if its appropriate… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been meaning to do something stupid but I can’t, afraid of getting hurt myself….

I’ve been confused with different emotions, from home, office and other places that you can think of…. I want to lessen what I think to reduce the stress… but how can I? Its my nature to think and try to resolve things… I cannot just sit down and let things unresolved… unthought of….

I’m torn between options… Of leaving and staying… of pursuing and stopping…

All options has consequences…. all options has advantages… all options… lead to somewhere… but it boils down to doing what is right or what makes me happy… Its something that I have to decide.. sooner if not later…

I cannot maintain status quo at the moment.. I cannot stay like this for the longest time.. I need to move…

The week has been one weak event for me… but I think its nothing that I would be facing if I do decide…

I think I have fallen… but is this true? I have to ask myself… is this just an infatuation? Is this something temporary? or is this real? the true and final one… the big answer…

I find myself wanting to spend time with you… we have so much in common.. we have so much to talk about… and I can spend time with you doing nothing… Just looking in your eyes… just being with you… Is this the finality… some sort of soul mate?

But I have to be sure… need to be sure… Its complicated and not that easy… I don’t want to disturb your current state… I don’t just to be someone who will be there for you… especially these times in your life… I know its confusing… on my part and maybe yours as well… I still yearn for you to be happy, even not with me… Its my reward already to know that you are happy… somewhere… somehow… with the person that you once loved and maybe still love…

I want to know… if what I’m doing and saying is just right… I don’t want to be a replacement… just a replacement… I wish things are just easy to deal with.. but maybe its really love… as I need to earn it… I may need to fight for it…

It may be just a short time… but I want to start a lifetime with you… but it’s not easy for me… and you… I’m complicated… I want to be sure but it’s always a risk… that we have to take… if this is love… I pray it would be given… to me and you… hopefully…

I know your life is not that simple… yet… and my presence will just complicate things… but for now, I’m content of being your friend….

My life is complicated as well… I want to move on.. but it’s not that simple.. I may need to hurt people… just to be happy.. and I just cannot do that… I want to be kind… do things right…. but I need to be happy…

Maybe in due time… as in the move… find the joy in life… and you are my joy… will it last? I’m willing to test the limits… willing to sacrifice…  I just hope it’s not mutual.. we have the same feeling… I dare not ask you for now…

But now I’m content in saying “I love you”… even you don’t realize this yet… even I have not said it… hope you feel it…

I was depraved… Blasted by the things I thought…

Would this give a happy ending? Given time, I have to give some space, but I feel cold even though I am in a warm place…

I have nothing more to say…

I hope things would get better…

Reasons and explanations… Tears and pleas…. Conversation and confrontations… Compromise and considerations… There should be communication….

How soon would I get the answers? I have nothing to say… but I have something to say…

I hope things would get better…